So, you want to be champion?
by majorslashsquad
Summary: The anonymous GM is requiring one more thing before the Six Superstars can be part of the six pack challenge at Night of Champions. Can the competitors step up to the challenge? Language and some suggestive dialogue.
1. Randy's first

Disclaimer: I do not own the WWE (I wish), and I am not making money off of this story. So, please do not sue me.

Randy Orton was standing in the middle of the ring as he glared at Micheal Cole. Cole was standing behind his podium looking oh-so-smug. God, that bastard pissed him off. Just because he was the "voice" of the anonymous GM didn't make him king. He looked down at the list he was to read to the entire crowd gathered in the arena. This had to be a joke.

And what was the rest of the locker room doing standing on the entrance ramp? Someone was going to pay for this crap, and it would most likely be Cena. _"That asshole thinks he's such a hero," he thought bitterly." _

"You've got to be kidding me," he growled out loud in a menacing voice.

"This is what the GM wants you to do, Orton. In order for you to be part of the six pack challenge, you have to clear up a few things and agree to stop behavior that is damaging to the company." Cole was enjoying this way too much. "Furthermore, if you refuse to read the list in its entirety, you will be suspended for two weeks.

Randy should have seen this coming. Ever since he "introduced himself" to that new brat that was now unofficially part of the roster,(What was his name? He had merely referred to him as "Miz's bitch.) he knew the GM didn't take to kindly to him. But, really, it wasn't like the kid was seriously injured. After all, they did get him unchained from the toilet eventually. Yet, here he was forced to read from this stupid list. Anything to be the champion, right?

"Fine, I'll do this. But I had better be guaranteed a place in this six pack challenge...or else."

He took a breath and started reading:

This is a list of things that I, Randal Orton, agree to never do again:

1. I will stop calling calling rookies "fresh meat"(at least when they are standing next to me).

2. I will stop scaring stage techs by randomly staring at them making snake noises.

3. I will stop with my Hannibal Lector impression. It gets old after three straight weeks.

4. I will stop referring to Alex Riley as the Miz's bitch.

5. I will no longer suggest that Micheal Cole and the Miz get a room and "get it over with".

6. I will stop making fun of Cole for his obvious man crush on the Miz. Everyone knows about it, and it's not funny anymore. (Cole: Hey, wait a minute!)

7. I will stop locking feuding wrestlers in the same room and taking bets on which one gets out alive.

8. I will not make stage techs piss themselves by coming on to them.

9. I will stop trying to get Ted DiBiase to go on Dr. Phil to deal with his "daddy issues".

10. I will quit leaving tanning lotion in Sheamus' locker room (Sheamus: So, that was you!)

11. I will quit making fun of Cody Rhode's new found "meterosexual tendencies". He just likes to look good.

12. I will stop yelling "Yes, we can see you, you idiot!" every time John Cena waves his hand in front of his face. It's not funny anymore.

Furthermore:

13. The Nexus is not secretly an all male brothel, and I am therefore not their pimp.

14. Randomly sending slash fiction to other wrestlers where they are sleeping with their worst enemies just to see the looks on their faces is wrong.

15. It is never acceptable to knock out other wrestlers and dress them up as Ken.

16. I am not too sexy for my trunks.

17. My name is Randy Orton. I will therefore stop calling myself Rick James.

18. Most ring officials frown on the use of a live snake to scare opponents.

19. They also normally object to stripping opponents to make them run out of the ring screaming.

20. No one wants to see me naked. (Most of the chicks and some guys in the audience: We disagree!)

21. No one wants to hear about my sex life.

22. It is wrong to tell children that I RKO'd Santa Clause and that he is not visiting them this Christmas.

23. Rookies are not acceptable replacements for punching bags.

24. The WWE does not have cheerleaders, so I will stop telling Evan Bourne he should become one of them.

The other wrestlers were now laughing hysterically. Randy glared at all of them, but then suddenly he heard that damn bleeping sound, that only meant one thing: another email from the general manager.

"And I quote," said Cole. "This isn't over just yet. You see, there are five other men in this six pack challenge. And they all have done things to get on my nerves. So, Jericho," Chris' head shot up, and he suddenly looked frightened. "You're next."

A/N: Reviews lead to speedier updates and are important for quality purposes. All flames will be used to roast marshmallows.


	2. Chris, you're up

Chris Jericho slowly walked up to the ring as Randy exited, feeling anger well up inside of him. This was not going to be pretty, and he knew it. He got to the center of the ring, and a piece of paper was handed to him by a ring official. After reading over it, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself not to snap.

_"It's for the championship," he told himself firmly._

"Well, we don't have all night," Cole said, all too smugly. God, did he hate that little rat. He was about ready to take a page from Orton's book and punt him in the skull. But, for more important things...

"Here is a list of things, I Chris Jericho, will no longer do:

1. I will stop trying to find out if Sheamus' and Heath Slater's "carpets and drapes" match.

2. I will stop insinuating that the Miz has a "special relationship" with Alex Riley.

3. I will not instigate revolution.

4. I will stop referring to Americans as "those annoying-ass downstairs neighbors".

5. I will stop chasing after Santino with tweezers, even if most people find it amusing.

6. I will no longer suggest that rookies need to pass an IQ test in order to stay in the WWE.

7. I will stop asking referees if they are on crack.

8. I will stop telling CM Punk he should "calm down and smoke a doobie".

Furthermore:

9. I do not have power of attorney over rookies, and it is wrong to tell them so.

10. No one wants to hear about my sex life, either.

11. I can, in fact, trust referees farther than I can throw them.

12. I am not allowed to throw the referees.

13. The ring is never to be converted to a hockey rink.

14. There is nothing in my front pocket for anyone.

15. During matches, my trunks are not "optional"

16. The anonymous general manager is not some guy standing behind a curtain.

17. The issues between John Cena and the Nexus will not be resolved by him and Wade Barret "kissing and making up."

20. I am not Zorro.

"There, that wasn't so bad, now was it?" Cole asked snidely.

"Who the hell is this GM?" Chris growled.

"I have no idea," Micheal said. "But, I must say, I'm starting to like the guy."


	3. Wade's turn

The laughter died down in the arena. Only four of the assembled men were not amused by the situation. John, Edge, Wade, and Sheamus were staring at Micheal Cole with looks of apprehension and annoyance. Which one of them was going to be next?

"Wade Barret, you are up next," Cole announced.

"I hate the lot of you," Wade snarled as he entered the ring.

The piece of paper was handed to him. As he read it over, he rolled his eyes.

"Here is a list that I Wade Barret will abide by:

Using the phrase "Because we are trying to take over the world." as a response to people asking us to explain our actions is no longer funny.

Nor is "Mind your business, that's why!"

Hanging a "No Girls" sign on the Nexus locker room is tacky.

It's wrong to tell small children that I beat up Harry Potter.

I am not allowed to punch people who think that the Beatles sucked. They are entitled to their opinions, as stupid as they are.

The Nexus are not the "Knights of the Round Table."

In America, people do not speak the Queen's English, and I will stop trying to get them to do so.

No one cares if Micheal Cole is a virgin or not.

"It is better to beg forgiveness than ask for permission", no longer applies to Nexus.

Pre-match interviews are for hype talking only, not for open debates about whether the Miz and Alex are doin' it. (Miz: I. Hate. All of you.)

It is also not O.K to suggest that Randy Orton and John Cena are secretly doing it. I will leave that to the fan fiction writers.

Pre-match interviews are not to contain the following words or phrases: ass-slap, budding sexuality, boyfriend stealer, Cena was working on his corner again last night, lubrication, pushing up the daisies, I hate you all, fugly, and in accordance with the prophecy.

We are not allowed to kidnap stage techs and dress them up as our mascot for the night. It's just plain creepy, and they are starting to get very upset.

Randy Orton does not get "That time of the month."

Splashing Sheamus with holy water and yelling "Be gone, spirit!" will not work as he is not a ghost. I will stop this, as it is getting old.


	4. Heeeerree's Johnny!

John Cena now stood in the middle of the ring. He knew this was coming, but he still dreaded it all the same. He had a good idea what was on the list he was about to read, and as he scanned over it, his fears were only confirmed.

He took a deep breath and started to read.

Here is a list I, John Cena am not allowed to do:

1. I am not allowed to make Princess Di jokes in front of Wade Barret.

2. I will not try and dress up fellow members of the Raw roster as members of the Justice League, even though I still think John Morrison would make a great Wonder Women. (John: You're an idiot.)

3. What the Miz and Alex Riley do when they are not in the ring is nobody's business but theirs.

(Alex: You guys are freaking sick!

Randy: Well, maybe if you two didn't make it so damn easy for us, this wouldn't be happening!

::general murmurs of agreement::)

4. I will stop suggesting that Heath Slater's entrance music should be the latest Wendy's jingle, and Sheamus' entrance music should not be the "Fire Crotch Song."

5. The Championship belts are not made of candy, and it is wrong to tell rookies that they are.

6. I am not allowed to bring a can of whoop ass into the locker room areas, even if I did bring enough for every one.

7. The "voices" in Randy Orton's head are not actual people, and therefore are not to be considered tag team partners in any given match.

8. We are after Sheamus' belt, not his lucky charms.

9. Lay Cool will not melt if water is thrown on them.

10. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty between Raw and Smackdown.

11. Paint ball is not, and never will be, a legitimate match stipulation.

12. I am not allowed to insinuate that Micheal Cole does "anything else" on the GM's computer.

13. If an idea to do something to the Nexus makes me chuckle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that this action will get me suspended.

14. Underwear is not optional.

15. Baby oil is.

16. I am not authorized to do bag checks in the diva's locker room.

17. I am not allowed to have an allergic reaction to bad ref calls.

18. Demonic possession is not an excuse for anything.

19. This is not Sparta.

"Well, that was a huge waste of my time," John muttered to himself as he left the ring. "I wonder whose next, though"

"Edge, you're up."

"Well, this should be worth sticking around for," John said loudly enough for the other man to hear as he got his own list...

A/N: Yay! My John C. muse has returned to me.

John C. muse: Yeah, well...I guess I can't stay too mad at you. That was fun to do.

Randy muse: Thank God all that is over...

Miz muse: No kidding. The violence is over.


	5. Edge's up, now

Edge glared out at the crowd and at the gathered superstars rolled his eyes in dismay. What the hell was the general manager's problem? Why did he have to do this? It was all Orton's fault. Yeah, that's what he would tell himself. Chaining Miz's poor pool boy to that toilet was just wrong. Funny, yes, but all the same; now they were all being punished! Ah well, might as well get this over with.

These are the rules I will abide by:

1. I am not allowed to address the general manager as Lord Vader.

2. I am not allowed to change John Cena's entrance music with "Pretty Fly For A White Guy".

3. I am not allowed to change anyone's entrance music.

4. I am not allowed to start my own tournaments for titles that don't exist just to see who is stupid enough to try and compete for them.

5. The refs do not have the time nor the inclination to know how I stuffed 10 fans in a phone booth on a bet.

6. Alex Riley is not the Miz's pool boy. (Woah, are you alright there, A-Ri? You look a little upset.)

7. Randy Orton is not "Insanity Wolf", John Cena is not "Courage Wolf", Miz is not "Socially Awkward Penguin", and Michelle McCool is not "Scene Wolf".

8. Sheamus is not friends with Casper, and they do not hang out on weekends.

9. Screaming "Run and live!" at my opponents is getting old, and no one is impressed by it.

10. I am not the vampire Lestat.

11. Kane and the Undertaker are not going on Dr. Phil to work out their "issues", so I will stop suggesting it.

12. Zak Ryder is not going to ever be a guest on Ricky Lake.

13. "I've heard every possible joke out there about Mr. Fuji" is not a challenge.

14. The Bella twins are not to be referred to as "book ends."

15. There is no "Open Mike Time" at any of the holiday parties.

16. The locker room is not a "wretched hive of scum and villainy".

17. I will not show up to a match messily drunk.

18. Even if Lawler did it. (King: That never happened!)

19. Asking Vickie if a house fell on her sister is just wrong.

20. No one died and made me king of anything.


	6. The Celt

The Champion stood in the center of the ring clutching his title. He began to wonder if the whole damn thing was worth it at this point. As if reading his mind Micheal Cole cleared his throat.

"You will be suspended if you don't do this, Sheamus," he pointed out."So you might as well-"

"Yes, I know the consequences!" The Irish champion snapped. "Fine, here it goes. The things I am to abide by:

1. No one wants to see my lucky charms. Ever.

2. Calling people who dye their hair red "posers" is just plain rude, even if it's true.

3. Bringing an ax in the ring is against the rules, even though it is not written anywhere specifically.

4. The Miz and A-ri- (Alex: You know what? I have had it up to here with this crap! Just because we get along, hang out all the time, and just happened to get wasted and kiss that one time, that does not mean that we are lovers!

::awkward silence::

Miz: Ummm...

Cole: What just happened?

Alex: I have to go to the bathroom. ::sprints out::)

Er...well, they deserve to be here, even though they look like a couple of annoying frat boys.

5. It is immature to keep suggesting that John Morrison cut his hair. It's his business if he wants to look like a hippie.

6. Daniel Bryan does not need to "man up" and eat a burger.

7. Ginger jokes are not punishable by punches to the face.

8. "I have heard all the Randy Orton voices jokes." is not a challenge.

9. The ring is not the place to settle the centuries of feuding between the Celts and the Brits. I will therefore stop trying to call Wade Barrett out on these matters.

10. The "field of honor" is not an appropriate match stipulation.

11. I am not allowed to deliberately try and cause an international incident.

12. I can not "run into battle naked" like my ancestors did.

13. I do not have diplomatic immunity, like that fella from Lethal Weapon 2.

14. "I Wear No Pants" is not a good entrance song for Randy.

15. Nor is the song "Because I Got High".

16. No one is discriminating against me, and I will stop bitching.

17. TMI does in fact apply to me.

18. Walking up to an American and asking how to keep them in suspense and just walking away is just stupid. And it's even worse when t works.

"Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen," Micheal Cole was enjoying this way too much. "You are all eligible for the six pack challenge...good luck.

The six competitors all looked at each other smugly, all sure that they were going to take the belt. And there were just so many loopholes, so much shit they weren't called on...this was still going to be a fun at Night Of Champions.

A/N: Does anyone want me to do anything else with this? Thoughts, comments and constructive criticisms are always welcome.


End file.
